


4 to 44

by emqjm84



Series: “Lilin are cruel aren’t they.” [1]
Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Age Difference, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Childhood Trauma, Codependency, Coercion, Cutting, Death, Drowning, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Everybody Dies, F/F, F/M, Gen, Gross, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Internalized Homophobia, Kawoshin - Freeform, M/M, Misogyny, Past Rape/Non-con, Poisoning, Psychological Trauma, Queerplatonic Relationships, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Reincarnation, Rejection, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sex Work, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Survival Sex Work, Trauma, Vomiting, Warnings May Change, abjection, asurei - Freeform, gasing, gay relationships, group suicide, mouring, older men coercing younger women into relationships, queerplatonic asurei
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-10
Updated: 2014-11-01
Packaged: 2018-02-12 13:03:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 4,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2110923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emqjm84/pseuds/emqjm84
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brief fic of Kaworu's past reincarnations and being in love with Shinji despite knowing he is an abuser. Asuka discovers she has more in common with Rei than she thought. This fic centers on Kaworu and Asuka's aftermath as they try to make sense of everything that has happened to them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 4 - 44

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know if I forgot to tag anything. I wasn't sure if I got everything. This work is very triggering and potentially incredibly upsetting so please don't read if you are feeling vulnerable. 
> 
> Trigger warnings are in the tags. Please let me know if I missed any trigger warnings and I will add them.

4

“Kaworu what’s wrong?” Shinji said a look of utter horror on his face. “Are you sick?” I didn’t understand. “Oh my god should I call an ambulance?”

“I’m fine I just wanted to eat more ice cream. Now my bowl is full again. ” 

He started crying even though there was nothing wrong. 

“Shinji what’s wrong?”

“Isn’t that what you do when you’re hungry?”

“What did they do to you?”

“Please don't do that ever again.”

I promised him even though I knew he wouldn't remember. 

44

The words were written in red spray paint still wet and dripping down his walls not yet formed. 

He had a look of horror on his face at what had been painted. 

“Lilin are cruel aren’t they.”

“I didn’t…” he said tears welling up in his eyes. “I just couldn’t think and I needed to calm down…” 

I shielded him from those words and felt his tears drip burning soaking my shirt. 

“You don’t have to be alone.” “But…” I took his hand and led him away from those bright red words.

He let me lead him to my apartment. Love wasn’t enough no matter how much I wanted it to be. I couldn't heal him. I couldn't change him but despite that I couldn't stop trying.

I knew he wouldn't remember next time. 

“Shinji I was born to meet you.” I told him as I soothed him. Life doesn’t always let you choose who you love.

Misato came home to her apartment and saw the words written in red now dried. 

SHINJI IKARI IS A RAPIST 

"Shit."

She turned around racing back toward her car. As she walked she dug out her cellphone. Why didn't she know about this? She had failed. Her head spun with questions desperately needing answers. 

“Where is Asuka right now?"


	2. 44.1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rei has known for a long time. 
> 
> Asuka discovers she has more in common with Rei than she thinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gracen don't read this.

"How long have you known?"

 

Asuka asked his scent still clinging to her body, mingling in her hair.

 

She remembered her first time showering afterward and going to sleep that night still smelling him in her hair, on her pillow.

 

She couldn't bring herself to look at Rei.

 

"How long have you known?"

 

Some nights she could still smell him on her pillow.

 

She wouldn't answer her. She knew she had been caught in a trap.

 

"How long have you known?"

 

She could smell him in her bedsheets.

 

"I didn't say anything because I thought if I said anything you would just deny everything at best or tell me I'm a lying whore and never talk to me again."

 

A black hair slept on her bedsheets. 

 

"I don't want to stay here." 

 

~

 

This was her first time ever visiting Rei's apartment.

 

"I don't understand how this could happen to me."

 

She asked Rei laying next to her protected by a thin sheet. 

 

"How do you beat someone who is stronger, smarter, and better than you?"

 

She asked Asuka as she held her.

 

"I don't understand."

 

Rei held her tighter.

 

"Shinji is weaker than you but he is not like you. 90% of the time he might seem so vulnerable but there is also an assassin inside of him that's ruthless."

 

"You're not making any sense."

 

"How do you beat someone stronger than you?"

 

Asuka felt her mind foreclosing but she tried to understand as her insides boiled.

 

"You hit their weak point over and over"

 

"Oh."

 

Suddenly everything she had thought about herself fell apart.

 

"Oh."  
"Oh"  
OH

oh

h

oh

oh

o

h

oh

o

h

o

h

o

h

o

oh

oh

oh

o

h

o

h

h

o

h

 

 

oh

oh

oh

oh

 

 

 

 

"Stop it."


	3. 44.2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please don't leave me alone.

“I don’t want to be alone.” She begged Rei. “I’m sorry, I already promised I would go out tonight. I’ll be back in a couple of hours. You can play video games until I get back.” She had known she would have to be alone sooner or later but the sun was setting and she didn’t want to think.

 

Eventually Rei caved in.

 

 

She flipped open her cellphone

 

 

“Hey, it’s me. Do you mind if I bring a girlfriend?”

“Are you really sure you want to come with me?” Rei asked Asuka as she changed into clothes from a box she had hidden under her bed. They were meant for a much older woman.

“I don’t want to be left alone.”She told Rei firmly.

She didn’t care where she was going she wanted to go with her. 

“I’m not sure this is a place you’ll feel comfortable in. I could drop you off with Hikari.”

“I don’t care. I want to go with you.” Rei had become a pillar holding her up and Asuka didn't know if she could be okay if she weren't with her.

She glanced down at the box and noticed a photo ID still clipped to a blouse.

The woman reminded her of Rei.

“Who is Yui Ikari?”

“Commander Ikari likes it when I dress up in his wife’s old clothing.”

 

~


	4. 44.3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rei has a date with Gendo Ikari. Asuka doesn't want to be alone so she went with Rei.

Asuka stared at the red straw in her water.

 

Somewhere though she did not know Misato was desperately searching for her. Shinji was curled up in Kaworu’s arms as paint dried outside what had been his home until a few days ago. Gendo Ikari had gone to the bathroom leaving her alone with Rei.

 

Rei touched her arm.

 

“Are you okay?” she asked smiling apologetically.

She nodded.

A man who had been watching them all night as if waiting for a chance spoke to them.

 

“Are you together?”

 

He asked Asuka.

“No?”

“But aren’t you family?”

“No?”

She realized he had thought that they were his kids.

 

Gendo Ikari came back and the man turned away furtively.

 

“This is the most fun I’ve had in years girls.” He said alcohol reeking on his breath.She felt his spittle land on her. For a moment she felt as if her body would break out in spores as if she were infected. A moment passed. Nothing happened. She smiled.

He put his hand on her thigh.

 

She had no idea if this was normal.

 

 

His hand shifted to her inner thigh. She couldn't hear him over the music.

 

This was normal.


	5. 44.4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Asuka and Rei finish up their date with Gendo Ikari.

Hours later Rei and Asuka stood together in the parking lot of the bar. Gendo Ikari was happily smashed as he handed Rei a small box. “Here’s your allowance and I included something special for you inside.” He said winking at her.

Asuka finally understood how Rei managed to have an apartment of her own.

She sensed something in Gendo’s body language as she quickly backed away.

He embraced Rei kissing her on her lips.

Asuka cringed inside.

After he had gone she felt a chill. She reeked of cigarettes, alcohol, and she realized after a moment Shinji.

She walked with Rei in silence back toward her apartment.

“I’m sorry I called you a doll.”


	6. 44.5 - 0.00111100111

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji hurts Kaworu. Kaworu remembers his first time ever breathing LCL.

**44.5**

 

“You make me feel so weak.”

He looked up at Kaworu tears in his eyes.

“All of you make me feel so weak. Do you have any idea how guilty you make me feel.”

Kaworu due his nails into his palm his face indifferent.

“You’re strong.”

Kawrou begged almost prayed.

“No.”

Shinji said with finality.

“All of you are making me do this. But I'm so tired. None of you ever care what I want.”

“I love you.”Kaworu begged.

He knew what was coming but all he could do was try to help him.

“You’re just staying because you want a perfect boyfriend.”

“That’s not true. I was born to meet you.”

“That’s not fair. I didn't ask you to be born.”

Shinji wasn’t crying anymore. His eyes were red but his expression had changed. He suddenly looked calm almost tranquil.

“I want to see you cry.”

He smiled at Kaworu as if he had suddenly been freed from all of his pain.

“I love you” was all Kaworu could say, he smiled because at least in this moment Shinji was free. All he could do was give him this for as long as he could.

Shinji traced a finger down his arm.

“Did you cut yourself or did someone do it to you?” he asked with a smile.

“Both” Kaworu answered as neutrally as possible not letting anything show in his voice.

“Your scars are so ugly. No one could ever want someone like you.”

Kaworu didn’t allow himself to show any emotion. “I’m sorry.” He wouldn’t let Shinji see anything.

 

…

Kaworu heaved as Shinji ran his hands over his hair panicking.Desperately trying to soothe him.

“I’m sorry, I love you, I didn’t mean to hurt you. Please…”

He begged.

“I-“Kaworu strugged to make words come together.

“It’s okay.”

Shinji ran his hands through his hair as he started crying too.

“I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I just can’t think…I need to clear my head.” He whimpered. “I need to get off. Please… We can figure everything out I just need to clear my head. I need to cum.”

Kaworu pulled himself together because Shinji needed him. “

Okay”

He said his voice ragged.

…

“I raped you.” Shinji said terror in his voice.

“I’m a rapist.”

“No.”

“I should kill myself.”

“Please, you didn’t rape me.” Kaworu said and it was true. He would do anything for Shinji and if Shinji needed to cum to think then he didn’t mind but he was so tired now. So tired.

“I love you.”

Kaworu said begging him wishing that he could be okay. He wanted to break but Shinji needed him.

“I love you too…”

Shinji said clinging to Kaworu like a child terrified of the night.

“You’re not a rapist. I needed you too.”

“Really?”

“I promise.”

“I love you so much. I promise I’ll never hurt you again.”

…

**0.00111111111**

“Pleasepleasepleaseimsorry” he begged.

They’d locked him in a box. He couldn’t see anything.

“Please” he heard something. F

irst a trickle then like a faucet he felt water fill his box.

Not water,

blood.

 

 

“IM SORRY PLEASE I PROMISE ILL NEVER BE BAD”

He felt it rise up past his ankles.

He was going to die.

He screamed clawing at the box.

He felt his nails break shearing as he

splashed.

He struggled

as he was slowly

 

swallowed

 

blackness unable to see

 

only feel

  swallowed up.

He gasped for breath

 as his lungs filled with blood

     

everything went black.

**0.00111111119**

He felt himself floating.

He was breathing.

Was he dead?

He still couldn’t see anything.

**0.00111100032**

He had slept.

 

 

 

 

Maybe?

 

**0.00111100040**

He had fallen asleep?

 

**0.00111100059**

He wasn’t sure how long he had been dead now.

 

 

 

All he knew is that he wasn’t alone.

 

**0.00111100111**

 

ADAM

ADAM

ADAM

ADAM

ADAM

ADAM

ADAM


	7. 44.6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misato and Asuka eat ice cream together. 
> 
> "I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you."

They sat together outside of a 7-11 together, Asuka and Misato each holding an ice cream.

  
“I heard what happened.”

  
She said to Asuka. Asuka winced knowing this hurt her. She wished Rei were her but she was alone with her.

  
“Are you okay?”

  
“I’m fine.” She said not wanting to hurt her anymore than she already was but more than that she was tired.

  
“Asuka, you know you are brilliant right?”

  
Asuka watched her ice cream cone melt.

  
“I don’t understand what you mean.”

  
“I mean you are so much more than just an Eva pilot. You are so intelligent and you burn so brightly. You’re amazing.”  
Misato’s voice broke.

  
“One day there aren’t going to be any more angels and you’re going to go out into the world and you’re going to do so much.”

  
She was crying.

  
“I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect you.”

  
She hugged her and they cried together.


	8. 44.7 - 44.77

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 44.7
> 
> Kaworu has a sync test with Evangelion Unit Zero. 
> 
> 44.75-44.77
> 
> "How do you talk to someone who stood her ground even after being eviscerated?"

 

**44.7**

  
Kaworu sat tranquilly as he watched the LCL flood in eating him up. He didn’t even flinch as he was swallowed up whole. He looked over at Shinji’s camera. Shinji sat there obediently going through the motions only answering as he was spoken to. Asuka sat as if she were on a throne inside of Unit 02 her syncro ratio was low but enough to remain. There was enough tension that he knew anything he said could set either of them off so he remained silent. He looked down as he felt something brush over his shoulders. Pale white arms like death she spoke to him.

  
“Are you an angel?”

  
“Yes.” He said even though he wasn’t sure how true this was anymore. His fingers tightened around unit zero’s controls. He knew no one could see her except him. His face showed nothing as he felt her coming out reaching toward him. “Kaworu, are you okay? Your synch ratio is off.” Ritsuko’s voice piped in through speakers sounded far away. He did his best to focus on her voice. “Yes, I’m fine.”

  
“The other Rei told me about you.” Her voice was clear as she spoke directly into his ear. “Do you really think you are a victim?” He raised his hand to his face as if he had a headache his arm going through hers. He had to keep calm, if they knew they would kill him and he would have to go through all of this again. “Lilin raped Adam. You think you’re a child of angels but you are just as much a child of the lilin. Don’t you understand?”

  
“No?” He said almost silently his voice wavered even if his face didn’t change. Asuka tapped her fingers. Shinji glanced over at briefly flashing him a smile. He smiled back.

  
“You’re not a victim. You’re an abuser and you’ve devoted your life to justifying your abusers and aiding them in every way you can.”

  
Kaworu felt his voice tighten as he listened to her. He shut his eyes as if he could drive her away. “Kaworu your synchro levels are dropping.” He opened his eyes. “I’m sorry, I’ll pay more attention.” She held him in her deathly pale arms embracing him. “How many angels have you killed?” She ran her fingers over his face. He turned around even though he knew he should just pretend she wasn’t there. “Kaworu?” A far away voice asked sounding concerned. “I’m fine, Shinji.”

  
He could see her jutting through his seat like a ghost. She had a small smile on her face.

  
“But…” He said his voice barely over a whisper. “He- They-“ His words wouldn’t come out as he tried to explain. “I can’t…” He begged her. “Please tell me it’s not true.” He couldn’t breathe as liquid choked in his lungs. He could hear Unit Zero’s restraints creaking and it almost sounded like a scream. He heard alarms going off and he knew if he didn’t stop now he wouldn’t be able to hold her back anymore. He shut his eyes and leaned back into his seat.

 

“You and Shinji are perfect for each other.”

 

He shut her out.

  
**44.75**

  
Asuka usually went directly home after synch tests but now she wasn’t sure where home was or if she even had a home anymore. She counted off a list of friends she could stay with in her head eliminating each one. She felt a twinge of guilt as she crossed Misato off that list mentally when she heard something. Far away she could hear someone sobbing and for reasons she didn’t know she followed their voice.

  
**44.76**

  
Kaworu retched his sorrow threatening to tear him apart when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He winced before he realized Rei couldn’t be here. Shinji had come for him because he must have heard him. Kaworu remained looking down as he composed himself for him. “I’m fine Shinji.” He managed to gasp out but when he looked up Shinji wasn’t there. Shinji was never there for him because he was always there for Shinji. “No… no…”  
He had wanted Shinji to save him so badly.

“Shinji left already.” Asuka said. 

“Oh.” Was all he could manage to choke out. “I see.”

  
He dug his nails into his shirt and felt fabric tear slightly.

I was waiting for him.

I’ve been waiting for him for so long.

Asuka embraced him. “You’re going to be okay.” She said as he sobbed into her shirt, He wished she was Shinji. Why couldn’t she have been Shinji. He had wanted Shinji to be here so badly. “I’m sorry.” He croaked out even though he knew she wouldn’t know why he was apologizing. “It’s fine.” She said as if she knew. He felt her tears fall warm on his head as he realized she was crying too.

  
**44.77**

  
They sat together holding hands as if they were each other’s lifelines. Now that he wasn’t crying he didn’t know what to say to her. He had always felt intimidated by Asuka. How do you talk to someone who stood her ground even after being eviscerated? He winced as he remembered. “I’ll kill you.” She felt him squeeze his hand. “Are you okay?” She asked giving him a smile. “I’m fine.” And then because he couldn’t talk to her she talked to him.

  
         They talked for hours.


	9. 44.8 - 44.85

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After hearing Shinji and Asuka talking together Shinji self harms in order to punish Kaworu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't really written anything from Shinji's perspective in this entire fic. I didn't really want to but I felt I needed to include his perspective. 
> 
> Trigger warnings:  
> Self Harm  
> Misogyny  
> Homophobia  
> Emotional Abuse  
> Alcoholism
> 
> Please let me know if I've missed any triggers.

**44.8**

  
Penpen’s bowl was full of warm cold-cuts, fat and oils glistening off of them. Misato was already incredibly drunk. She curled into herself not even looking up at him. He could smell the alcohol melting off of her skin.

  
“I’m home.”

  
She was silent. He walked past her into his room. There were empty cans and bottles and they crunched as he walked to his room. He opened his door as wide as he could before slamming it but a can ended up stopping him from closing his door. He kicked it away she wasn’t even trying to be a mom anymore. Not that she ever was his mom.

  
He was so sick of all of them. They could all die. He laid down on his bed putting his earplugs in. His cassette player clicked. Classical music started playing. He reached into his pocket pulling out a rubber band. He placed it on his wrist and pulled.

  
SNAP

  
He had gone to Kaworu’s apartment but he wasn’t there. He’d gone back to NERV and he heard his voice talking to someone happily and then he heard her voice. That bitch. She was telling him things. She was turning him against him just like she had with Rei and Misato. He saw how much time she spent with Rei did she think no one noticed. Those bitches all betrayed him.

  
SNAP

 

  
He had seen Rei and Asuka holding hands today.

 

 

 

 

SNAP

  
Dykes. Fucking dykes. Was he so horrible he turned her gay or did she always swing that way.

  
SNAP

  
SNAP

  
SNAP

  
Kaworu loved him. He wasn’t like those bitches but they were trying to change him. Fuck Kaworu he was just like them. He wanted to pretend to be a prince on shining armor and save him. He wasn’t a princess. He didn’t need anyone he just wanted to be alone but Kaworu wouldn’t let him. He had to go and play pretend perfect boyfriend as if he weren’t fucked up.

  
SNAP

  
They were all so fucked up. Everyone could die. The world was rotten dripping in blood and they were all rotting. He just wanted to die but Kaworu wouldn’t let him. He had to keep him alive because if he died who would he play prince with. Fucking bitch.

  
SNAP

  
Fuck pretending. It was so much easier to save someone than be saved. He just wanted to use him to get away from his own problems. No wonder they were all faggots they couldn’t even love normally. He stood up heading into the bathroom.

  
SNAP

  
He looked into the mirror. He was starting to develop a wispy mustache. He opened up his medicine cabinet.

  
Kaiji had given him a straight edge razor.

  
Fuck rubber bands.

  
Fuck everyone, even Kaworu.

  
He pulled it out.

  
His phone beeped at him as he started.

  
Kaworu.

  
He smiled as he took a picture of his wrist.

  
“You did this.”

  
A moment passed and Kaworu called.

  
And kept calling.

  
He threw his phone on the counter with a smile.

He imagined how panicked Kaworu must be. His phone ringing over and over again.

He silenced it.

  
If he wanted to play savior then he got what he asked for.

  
 **44.81**

  
He heard Kaworu sobbing before he heard him knocking on. Misato didn’t get up. He was so tired. This didn’t feel good anymore. He looked in the mirror and wondered when he had started hating himself so much. He felt tears stinging his eyes.

  
 _ohgodohgodohgodwhathaddanyonehelpdaddymommyhelpmeohgodohgodkaworu_

  
**44.82**

  
After what seemed like an eternity Shinji opened the door. He was sobbing loudly. There was a woman passed out in the living room behind him.

“I’m sorry…” He sobbed. “I’m so sorry. Please don’t leave me. I love you.”

  
 **44.85**

  
Shinji laid there next to him completely still. Every time he pulled away Shinji would begin shivering as if he physically needed him. He cradled him in his arms. “I love you so much.” He whispered to him. Shinji breathed softly and he listened to his heart beat slowly.

  
He never understood original sin. If instead of cursing god had just forgiven them once then no one would’ve had to die. He wouldn’t have needed to build a heaven to hold all those good souls. He wouldn’t have had to build a hell to punish all of those bad souls forever. No one would’ve had to suffer like this and the world wouldn’t have fallen into so much sin. Instead of having to forgive everyone over and over he could’ve just done it once and everything would’ve been okay. He pressed his lips to the nape of Shinji’s neck.

  
If god wouldn’t forgive them then he would. He would keep forgiving them over and over again until finally one day maybe they could all go home. Until then all he could do is forgive.

  
He would open the door again. They were going home.

  
He knew what he was thinking was sacrilege but he would eat both of the fruits. He would become like god and he would do what god should’ve done so long ago.

  
He would forgive them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more chapter left.


	10. 44.9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the end Asuka couldn't get her Eva to move.

**44.9**

  
Misato woke up and found Shinji and Kaworu laying together. She went to the sink and a razor blade and a rubber band. She stared longingly at her stash of alcohol before sighing and opening up her cellphone. In under 30 minutes Shinji was being pulled apart from Kaworu. In an hour he was in a psych ward under nerv’s care. Kaworu wasn’t allowed to see him anymore.

  
Asuka and Rei sat on opposite ends of a bench neither saying anything. Asuka wished she would suddenly transform into Kaji. She didn’t. An alarm went off and Asuka raced off. An angel was attacking. She never stopped to check if Rei was behind her. Only when she was getting dressed did she realize she was alone.  
As she entered into her Eva Misato briefed her. Kaworu was an angel. He was descending to the central dogma. Rei was nowhere to be found. Shinji was in a ward and only she could pilot the Eva. Misato believed in her. Everyone was counting on her.

  
The Eva wouldn’t move.

  
Kaworu descended. No one came to stop him. He paused above central dogma glancing up. He had expected Shinji to be here by now. “Shinji?” He asked tentatively. His voice echoed but there was no reply. Misato up in Nerv headquarters begged Asuka while simultaneously whispering orders to find Shinji. An employee came up to her ear and whispered something.

  
Kaworu was right above central dogma when she flipped the switch. There was no explosion as would be expected. Conventional explosives wouldn’t stop an angel anyways and they knew this. Instead there was silence as a gas filled the room. Asuka watched on her screen as everything stopped. No one was even cheering her on anymore. She kept trying to move.

  
After waiting for what seemed forever Kaworu floated back upward. Nerv was utterly silent as he floated through empty hallways. He found Shinji but Shinji was beyond him now. “Oh Shinji…” he said brushing his hair tears welling up in his eyes. “Shinji…” He felt his voice failing him. He laid down next to him even though he was gone.

  
Asuka continued to try to move her Eva. She screamed and begged and pounded on her control panel as if she could compel the giant to move by force. She didn’t understand why she wasn’t dead yet but there was still a chance for her to set things right. Kaworu floated over to her with Rei. They told her she was the last one left but she could still set things right. They waited for her to move.

  
She couldn’t move.

  
They warned her that now Seele was coming but that it wasn’t too late. They explained everything to her as she struggled. Eventually they did come. Gigantic white Evas with skins like a salamanders. They walked past her without even glancing at her. She watched as they ate Kaworu and Rei right in front of her and then moved on leaving a single red spot in front of her.

  
All around her the world ended and she kept trying.

  
Eventually there was silence again.

  
She struggled and screamed until all she could do was cry.

  
Then she slept.

  
The Eva never moved.

  
Eventually she stopped sleeping.

 

**44 END**


	11. 1.99

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything should've ended. She couldn't move forward. There was no going back. 
> 
> Asuka tries again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic was supposed to end at 44.9 but I kind of don't want everything to end like this. 
> 
> So here is a new chapter. I'm going to go over my allotted chapters. This story is going to have a happy ending eventually. I just have to get there.

**1.99**

 

She woke up.

 

She tried.

 

And tried.

 

And kept trying.

 

Her Eva took a shakey step forward.

 

Seele's god laid half drowned in a sea of blood.

 

There had been nothing but silence and stillness and death until she had moved.

 

She took another step forward.

 

The god stirred as if waking from a deep sleep.

 

 

She couldn't move forward but she had learned from Kaworu that she could move on.

 

**1 END**

 

[Step Forward?](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2751011/chapters/6167069)


End file.
